Beavis and Butt-Head

[We open as a typical day at Highland High School begins with the school bell ringing. We find Beavis and Butt-Head in Spanish class.]

Spanish Teacher: Bueno. Recuerdan por favor, clase, siempre contestan en Español. Bueno? (Okay. Please remember class, always answer in Spanish, okay?)

[He walks over to Butt-Head, holding up a rather large picture for Butt-Head to read.] Señor Butt-Head, como es Juan? (Mr. Butt-Head, what is John?)

Butt-Head: Uh, burritos?

Spanish Teacher: No, no, no - Como es Juan? Como es Juan? (No, no, no - What is John? What is John?) [He points to the picture "Juan es alto." (John is tall)]

Butt-Head: Uhh, guacamole!

Spanish Teacher: No, no. Señor Beavis, como es Juan? (No, no. Mr. Beavis, what is John?) [He points to the picture again.]

Beavis: Umm, spaghetti!

Butt-Head: [He starts laughing.] Spaghetti?

Spanish Teacher: [drops the Spanish accent and gets pissed] "Spaghetti"!? That's Italian, you moron! [He throws the picture on the ground.] Damn it! You idiots have been in this class for almost the whole school year, and the only Spanish you know is what you learned at Taco Bell! And Beavis can't even get THAT right! I'm going to give you little bastards just 10 seconds to come up with a sentence in Spanish, and if you can't, you're both going to the principal's office, and you're both flunking! Well, I'm waiting!

Butt-Head: Uh... Rendo-pordo-curdoh-nadava-duv-duv-dug, Uh... Rico Suave.

[The class laughs hard. The teacher furiously points to the classroom door.]

Spanish Teacher: (Furious) Principal's office, NOW!!

Beavis: [He takes a minute to try and come up with a sentence, but comes with...] Uhh, taco supreme!

(The class laugh again. The enraged teacher points to the door again.)

Spanish Teacher: (Furious) GET OUT!! NOW!!

[Later, in another class, Beavis and Butt-Head are still laughing about earlier. Butt-Head then launches a pencil, which bounces into the air and stabs Beavis in the eye, causing him to scream in pain.]

Butt-Head: Whoa! That was cool! It really does happen! (He laughs.)

Beavis: [He pulls the pencil out of his eye, leaving him with a bloody eye, but he just laughs about it.)

(Mr Stevenson prepares to take the register.]

Mr. Stevenson: Ok...Armstrong.

Armstrong: Here.

Mr. Stevenson: Armijo.

Armiho: Present.

Mr. Stevenson: Bakah.

Bakah: Yo!

Mr. Stevenson: Butkis.

Butkus: Here.

[Beavis and Butt-Head start laughing uncontrollably upon hearing that name. Mr. Stevenson is clearly annoyed by this.]

Mr. Stevenson: Damn it, what's wrong with you two?! We've been in school over seven months now, and every single day, when I call Daniel Butkis' name, you guys have to laugh!

[Beavis and Butt-Head continue laughing.]

Mr. Stevenson: Is it really still that funny? Doesn't it ever get old? Are you going to laugh for the rest of your lives every time someone says the name "Butkis"?

[Beavis and Butt-Head continue to laugh anyway.]

Mr. Stevenson: That does it! Principal's office, now.

[Later that day, in Mrs. Dickie's science class, we find the duo "still" laughing!]

Mrs. Dickie: Therefore, we can say that any two amoeba are of the same genetic makeup. They're all the same sex and can reproduce by themselves. [Beavis and Butt-Head start laughing at the word "sex".] So all sperm cells contain either an X chromosome or a Y chromosome, and -

Butt-Head: She said "sperm!" [They start laughing even louder.]

Mrs. Dickie: -depending on which sperm cell fertilizes the egg. [She stops and becomes angry because they're still laughing.] I SAID, depending on which sperm cell fertilizes the egg, the zygotes will be either male or female! SHUT UP!!! [They completely ignore her demands and continue to laugh.] McVICKER'S OFFICE, NOW!!!

[Soon, we find the boys in Principal McVicker's office once again, and much to McVicker's annoyance, they are "STILL LAUGHING!"]

Principal McVicker: Oh, you guys think this is funny?! Y-y-you've been to FOUR classes today, and you've been sent here FOUR TIMES! And this laughing thing, WHAT THE HELL'S WITH THIS LAUGHING THING?! All the teachers are sick of it! Mr. Sherman, your history teacher, says he's completely given up on trying to teach your class about the Gay 90's.

[Beavis and Butt-Head start laughing at that comment as well.]

Principal McVicker: [Starts to become irate.] See?! SEE?! Now that's EXACTLY what I'm talking about! You're BOTH suspended FOR A WEEK!

Butt-Head: Uhh, what's that mean?


Butt-Head: Cool! [He and Beavis start doing air guitar to the melody of Guns n' Roses "Paradise City".]

Principal McVicker: (Angry) SHUT UP!!! Forget it, no, no, you're not suspended. No, I got a better idea! Yeah, heh heh, I'm gonna get you guys this time! [He laughs as he pulls out a bottle of Old Crow whiskey and starts heavily drinking, while Beavis and Butt-Head continue to laugh, not aware of the fate that awaits them in their next class.]

[Beavis and Butt-Head are in the men's bathroom.]

Butt-Head: I think birth control is a very important issue in a woman's life. I've looked into all the options, and I'm using the Today Sponge. That was cool.

[The two boys laugh while they are in the bathroom.]

Beavis: I don't want gimmicks, I want a long distance phone company I can count on.

[The two boys laugh again.]

Beavis: Hey, Butt-Head, Mr. McVicker says "If we laugh anymore in class, we're gonna get expelled."

Butt-Head: Yeah, that would be cool.

[The two boys laugh once more, and then the scene cuts to Beavis and Butt-Head at Sex Education class.]

Coach Buzzcut: So, BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD! I understand Mr. McVicker has made a little arrangement for you guys! Yeah, a little probation. You see, class, BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD HERE are not allowed to laugh for a whole week. That's right, AND IF THEY DO LAUGH, they'll be expelled, and they'll have to go to Hope High School, WHERE THEY'LL GET THEIR ASSES KICKED ON A DAILY BASIS BY ALL THE OTHER DELINQUENTS, HA HA HA!!

[The entire class laughs at their horrible situation, but Beavis and Butt-Head know they better not laugh at that comment.]

Coach Buzzcut: Well, I was REAL GLAD to hear that, because this is Sex Education Week. That's right, SEX ED WEEK! [He hears Beavis and Butt-Head trying to giggle, so he gets closer to them to start yelling in their faces.] We're gonna be talking about THE PENIS!!! [He gets right into Butt-Head's face, as he tries to hold back from laughing.] We'll be talking about THE VAGINA!!! DO YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY, BUTT-HEAD?! DO YOU FIND IT AMUSING THAT WE'LL BE TALKING ABOUT THE TESTICLES?! [Butt-Head covers his mouth, to stop himself from giggling too hard.] Yes, we're ALSO gonna be talking about VENEREAL DISEASE! SEXUAL INTERCOURSE! THE SCROTUM! THE CLITORIS! AND... [He then pulls Butt-Head's hand away from his mouth. Butt-Head starts crying from holding it back so hard.] AND WE WILL DEFINITELY BE SPENDING A LOT OF TIME TALKING ABOUT MASTURBATION!!!

[The entire class explodes into laughter as Coach Buzzcut returns to his desk, while Beavis and Butt-Head look like they are about to explode.]

Coach Buzzcut: Well, now that that's out of the way, let's take roll. BUTKIS!!!

Daniel Butkis: Here! [He puts his hand up and laughs, knowing the boys can't laugh at him anymore.]

Coach Buzzcut: GAYLORD!!! HYMEN!!!

[At the end of the day, Beavis and Butt-Head dart out of the school, and literally explode into laughter, red faced and their normal skin colors returning thereafter, with sweat pouring off their bodies. A few hours later, as they finally make it home, they're still laughing from earlier.]

Butt-Head: Then, he said "penis"!

Beavis: Yeah! Then, he said "masturbation"!

Butt-Head: Then, he said "vagina"! That was cool!