|Bang the Drum Slowly, Dumbass|
|Season 5, Episode 155|
Another Friday Night
In the woods, the duo saw Mr. Van Driessen and his group for a session by hitting a drum about what they thought about themselves, Beavis however, takes it the wrong way, and that causes them to leave, due to Beavis's loud, nonsensual behavior. At school, Van Driessen asks Butt-head to where Beavis is at. Yet, he is still in the woods, alone.
[We open with Beavis and Butt-Head, who are apparently lost in the woods.]
Beavis: Hey, Butt-Head. I think we're lost.
Butt-Head: Cool! Maybe we'll be on the news.
Beavis: Hey, what the hell is that?! [He and Butt-Head follow the sound of banging drums. Soon enough, they discover Mr. Van Driessen and other hippies playing with a drum. They start laughing.]
Mr. Van Driessen: Beavis! Butt-Head! What a happy coincidence! We were just rapping about the needs to recruit new members for our Men's Group. Would you like to join us?
Butt-Head: Uhh, no thanks.
Beavis: Yeah, really. We're not gonna join a group, unless there's like, chicks in it and stuff!
Hippie #1: Come on, guys! It's a really super way to express your masculinity in a nurturing, all-male environment!
Hippie #2: With no women around, we're free to be ourselves without seeming sexist or offensive.
Hippie #3: And we left off some steam to avoid channeling our anger towards women into greed, destructiveness, or other male problem areas.
Mr. Van Driessen: And that's important, especially today, as we men wrestle with our manhood.
Butt-Head: Beavis wrestles with his manhood.
Beavis: Yeah! I usually win!
Mr. Van Driessen: That's ok, because we all must fight our own demons. That's why these monthly drum-banging sessions are so-
Beavis: Wait, you can bang a drum?!
Mr. Van Driessen: Sure!
Beavis: COOL!! [He and Butt-Head go over to the group of men.
Hippie #2: Hi, I'm Gary.
Hippie #3: Hi, Keith.
Hippie: #1: Hi, Phil. Nice to meet you!
Beavis: Hi, I'm Beavis!
[As they get settled in, Mr. Van Driessen is seen putting out a powerful beat on the drum. Butt-Head doesn't seem interested.]
Butt-Head: Uhh, this sucks.
Mr. Van Driessen: Actually, it can be quite therapeutic, Butt-Head. Here, why don't you take some of that aggression out on the drum?
Keith: And let loose with your inner-most thoughts!
Butt-Head: [He starts making a slow and very unconvincing beat.] Uhh, this sucks? Uhh... This sucks! A bunch of dumbass wussies hitting a stupid drum! [He finishes his "session" early.]
Mr. Van Driessen: Umm, good, Butt-Head! You tapped into some genuine emotions there, and I think we can all relate to what you're saying.
Butt-Head: Uhh... You can??
Gary: Sure we can!
Keith: It really doesn't suck that you had the courage to say "this sucks"!
Phil: We're hearing you loud and clear, brother!
Butt-Head: ...THAT SUCKS!
Mr. Van Driessen: [He takes the drum from him and gives it Beavis.] Ok, now it's your turn, Beavis. Really try to get in touch with your inner-male.
Beavis: NO WAY!! Not with a bunch of dudes watching!
Mr. Van Driessen: Don't be shy! Just hit the drum and say what's on your mind!
Beavis: Umm, ok... I guess... [He hits it once.] Whoa!! That was cool! [He starts laughing as he hits it more, and then he starts laughing in tandem with the beat, and starts beating it faster and faster.]
Mr. Van Driessen: Ok, Beavis! Now let that wild man within put his feelings into words!
Phil: We're with you, brother!
Beavis: IT'S LIKE I WANNA SEE CHICKS' THINGIES!! I JUST WANNA SEE THEIR THINGIES, BUT THEY WON'T LET ME, AND THAT MAKES ME WANNA CHECK THEM OUT EVEN MORE!!
Gary: We feel your male pain!
Beavis: I FEEL LIKE I'M NEVER GONNA SCORE, AND CHICKS DON'T WANNA TALK TO ME! IT'S LIKE, I GO UP AND SAY "HEY, BABY, HOW'S IT GOING?" AND THEN THEY JUST GO AWAY, OR THEY JUST SLAP ME!!
Phil: I can relate to that... I guess?
Beavis: AND SOMETIMES, I JUST WANNA GET A BIG BULLDOZER AND BULLDOZE THE WALL TO THE GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM, SO THAT WAY I CAN SEE THEIR BOOBS!!!
Butt-Head: That would be cool!
Beavis: CAUSE I KNOW THEY'RE NAKED INSIDE THERE AND I JUST CAN'T STAND IT!!!
[Mr. Van Driessen and the group all start looking at each other, realizing that this might've been a mistake to give Beavis the drum.]
Beavis: AND THEN WHEN I DESTROY THE WALL TO THE GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM, I'M GONNA DESTROY THE CAFETERIA TOO, AND THEN THE LIBRARY, AND I'LL DESTROY ALL THE BOOKS, AND THEN I'LL GO TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE, AND DESTROY THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE TOO!!!
Gary: [He leans over to Phil and whispers.] I think someone's "inner-warrior" needs to go back to basic training.
Mr. Van Driessen: [He tries to take the drum from Beavis.] Maybe you need professional help, Beavis? [Beavis slaps his hands away as he continues his crazed rant.]
Keith: Somebody take that damn drum away from him!!
Gary: What the hell are you teaching these kids in your class, anyway?!
Phil: You know, the guys at the gym were right, you ARE a panty-waist!
Keith: And you said this was a way to recapture the spirit of Woodstock?! WOODSTOCK, MY ASS!!
Mr. Van Driessen: Wait a minute, guys! [He chases after the men as they leave Beavis and Butt-Head behind, with Beavis still ranting.]
Beavis: AND I'LL NEVER SEE A CHICK NAKED, EVER!!! AND THAT WILL SUCK!!! THIS SUCKS!!!
Butt-Head: Yeah! This sucks! [He leaves, while Beavis continues ranting and pounding on the drum.]
[The next day at school, Beavis has not shown up during roll call.]
Mr. Van Driessen: Butt-Head, where's Beavis?
Butt-Head: Uhh, I don't know.
[Meanwhile, back in the woods, we find Beavis still pounding on the drum and his rant is still going!]
Beavis: Then, I get a crane with a wrecking ball, and a bulldoze, but it was really a shovel... What was I saying? Oh, and a backhoe, and a forklift! A front-end motor, and a combine! Uhh... Oh yeah, and a getaway car, and some rubber! Only then, will I score! [He finally stops pounding the drum.] And that's about it... oh yeah, and boobs! [He hits the drum one last time, then puts it aside.] Your turn, Butt-Head. ...Uhh, Butt-Head? [He rubs his blood-shot eyes and looks around.] BUTT-HEAD!!! IT'S YOUR TURN, COME ON!!! [He then realizes he's all alone in the woods now.] Umm... Uh oh...
- 103rd time Principal McVicker doesn't appear